Gotta Hand it To Him
by Cornonjacob
Summary: A story where Kira Yoshikage has to erase some evidence and an OC but accidentally blows his load onto his face and computer.
Tawagoto Fakku was skateboarding home one day from college in the town of Morioh, somehow managing to perform several convoluted and uncomfortable looking poses while doing so, much to the confusion of the goddamn normies around her.

As she rolled around the generic bad part of town that always seemed to be abandoned whenever something plot significant happens on her way home, she saw a man who kind of looked like David Bowie struggling with a grocery bag stuffed with what she assumed to be various groceries.

"Excuse me sir, do you need a hand?" She asked, stopping to aid this stranger like a good protagonist.

The man just turned around and gave Tawagoto a look of contempt and disgust, which turned out to be a fatal mistake as an ambulance barreled down the street toward them. Had the man not turned around, he would have seen it coming and have been well out of the way. Only the sound of the sirens warned him just in time to dash to safety, causing a multitude of severed woman's hands to fall out of his grocery bag.

"What the 「shit」? Who in face are you!?" Tawagoto screamed in astonishment.

"I am Yoshikage Kira! Every day, I wake up early to get to the office, which I am a well respected employee of. I work long and hard and eat a healthy meal each and every day. I go home at 8 at night, and I am always in bed by 11, so I can get a full 8 hours of sleep. Before I go to bed, I have a warm glass of milk and do stretching exercises for about 20 minutes, so I can sleep quickly and contently. Every year, when I check in with the doctor, he says that my body is in perfect condition. If you constantly worry about your enemies, about winning and losing, you only serve to stress yourself out, which is why I make sure I have no enemies. Nobody must suspect that I am anything out of the ordinary, so that I may 「go on dates」 with my girlfriends. Hands are everything to me, just thinking about them gets me hot. I love the feeling of a woman's hands, and the feeling of having my own around her neck, and squeezing away her life. When I was young, I saw the Mona Lisa, and the way her hands were folded neatly and beautifully on her knee, and, how should I say this? I got a boner. I just want to live a quiet life, and if anyone stands in the way of my tranquility, I will obliterate them. Do you understand what I am saying? You are just the type of irritating pest that I must break my routine to deal with! Even if your hands are pretty, and you've only discovered my secret by accident, I must silence you! I am the fucking strong! I will erase you!「Killer Queen」!" The man introduced himself whilst doing a cool looking pelvic thrust pose, and summoned his Stand.

"I understand! It's an enemy Stand! Go forth, 「Nine Inch Nails」!" She yelled out as she got off her skateboard, called forth her own Stand, and counter posed.

「Nine Inch Nails」 looked like some wonky black and white bodybuilder, with several letter N patterns forwards and backwards on its body and on its eyes. Its teeth appeared to be made out of nails, exactly nine of them, and they each looked to be an inch long.

"That's a nice watch you have there. Too bad you won't be able to tell time on it after I break it. Break your face, that is." Tagagoto stated epicly, as her face momentarily became super edgy and smooth.

However, just as the two were about to engage in an epic round of fisticuffs, Kira decided that Tawagoto was not blinged out enough to be his opponent, so he lost interest and drove home to clip his nails and probably decide to kill someone based on that, but not before having Killer Queen activate its remote power.

"「Sheer Heart Attack」!" Kira yelled out as Killer Queen's left hand detached as a strange little skull tank, and Kira drove off.

Sheer Heart Attack made a beeline for Tawagoto's skateboard because they were hot wheels and exploded.

"Holy shit! Son of a bitch!" She shouted in surprise before deciding to fire nails at the bomb, knowing that direct contact could be fatal.

The nails failed to screw the little tank, and it began to pursue her.

Changing tactics, she fired the nails into different points around the block, and used the power of 「Nine Inch Nails」 to teleport herself to a different nail when 「Sheer Heart Attack」 got too close. These shenanigans went on for about an hour because Tawagoto was too stupid to think of a better solution within that time.

By now, Kira had returned home, clipped his nails, and forgotten that he had deployed 「Sheer Heart Attack」 and it had not yet come back. He was somewhat stressed out by this turn of events, and had mistakenly assumed the girl was dead. This break in his routine threw him off, and he decided that he could use relief.

First he thought of getting a gym membership to work out, but then he thought about what kind of members a place like that would have. Sweaty, unwashed guys. As if Yoshikage Kira was going to touch the same weights those guys touched with the hands they use to masturbate!

That was then Kira thought about masturbation, and decided that would be an appropriate way to spend some time alone on as well.

He turned on his computer and looked up pictures of women's hands, and almost immediately got erect. He began touching himself, with his left hand, using the right to move the computer mouse.

"These hands make me 「get a feeling so complicated」!" Kira moaned, but in a super manly way.

Meanwhile, Tawagoto finally remembered how her Stand worked and felt like a complete idiot for wasting an hour.

"I am not OK, retard! I am wood! Stupid!" She berated herself.

This time as 「Sheer Heart Attack」 approached, she recalled all nine nails, and screwed them into the pavement at one point, with all the heads pointing upward. As the bomb tank approached, somewhere in the distance, Kira was about to orgasm.

As the explosive tread over the nails, they imbued it with 「Reverse Nail Spinning Power」 and jerked it upwards, then back down again on the nails, then back up. This cycle would continue for as long as Tawagoto kept the nails there or until Kira recalled 「Sheer Heart Attack」.

Unfortunately, this caused Kira's left hand grasping his member to violently move up, causing him to accidentally ejaculate into his face and splatter some onto his keyboard. He let go of his 「man meat flute」 but the constant movement of 「Sheer Heart Attack」 caused him to repeatedly smash his keyboard and get his 「baby batter」 all over the place.

「To Be Continued」


End file.
